Uniquely and Happily Married. . .

Next week -- on the 27 of July -- my bride and I will enter into our 28th year of marriage.    I have been kidding her publicly about celebrating the milestone at the Waffle House -- a fine American eating establishment.   She has countered that she would rather go to the Varsity. (For those of you who don't know, the Varsity is a famous Atlanta, Georgia landmark offering the greatest in Chili dogs and FOs -- Frosted Orange shakes.  "What'll ya have; what'll ya have?"  is their famous and registered catch phrase.) You may not believe it, but I am being completely honest here, we would both really enjoy either of them. You see we have never been a couple that needed somewhere "magical."   We have always found the "magic" by just talking.    Simply driving in cars long distances has been many of our favorite memories over the years, and well neither one of us have ever felt the need for something expensive and fancy in order to validate who we are to each other.   On the occasions when we have done those sorts of things, we usually think afterwards -- "We paid this for that!"   People may think that we aren't very exciting, but that is who we are, and from the looks of things that is who we come from as well.    Today my parents - Windol and Evelyn - completed 61 years of matrimony.   They are currently celebrating with matching Doctor's appointments, and if they feel like it afterwards they are going to John Boy's All You Can Eat Buffet.  It seems they have never been ones to spend much on celebrations or presents either.  But our marriages are a blessing in other ways.   I haven't asked my dad, but I can say for me that my marriage is great, satisfying even, and well it is just pleasant to be married to my best friend.   It might even be said that our relationship is almost perfect.   I've noticed through 28 years that our marriage often mirrors our relationship to God.   Another pastor Stewart Ruch III said it this way, "marriage with God is a dramatic biblical metaphor for God's relationship with his people.  He chose spiritual marriage, the great marriage of our souls with God, as a kind of beatific vision, the end goal of all of our personhood."   I liked how he said that. It was well worded and beautiful and very true.         

Most people know what I am -- a pastor -- so over the years I have dealt with I don't know how many exactly but let's just say a whole lot of people struggling with their marriages. People have come to me complaining about their spouse spending way to much.  I have heard countless "cheating" tales.    And from the cheaters, I have heard the, "they don't fulfill my needs" stories.   (Over the years it seems that the stories have gotten more graphic, but in any event I listen to all of them.)   I offer whatever advice and wisdom that I can give them and highlight various passages from scripture that I think might help them.   As well I give them the card of a professional counselor that I trust where they might find further help.  And I always, always pray for them in person, and they may not know this but I continue to pray for them daily and often more times than that.    You see my heart breaks for their pain, and so often unless we get the relationship fixed it ends in divorce with even more pain and poverty even.      

The statistics on divorce are incredible.   I saw the other day that  41% of first marriages end in divorce; 60 percent of second marriages end in divorce; 73% of third marriages end in divorce. (http://www.mckinleyirvin.com/blog/divorce/32-shocking-divorce-statistics)   I wasn't astounded because I have heard those numbers before.   It seems that a little over 1/2 of all marriages end in divorce, and that stat has held true for about the last fifty years.   I find it interesting that over 1/2 of all those who have been divorced wish that they or both of them had tried harder to fix things before d-day.    I have book after book on the shelves about why marriages fail, and they all say about the same thing, and let me just summarize them with this quick little list.  

1. Lack of commitment
2. Too much arguing
3. Difficult finances
4. Infidelity
5. Marrying too young
6. Unrealistic expectations
7. Lack of equality in the relationship
8. Lack of preparation for marriage
9. Abuse

I have heard all those reasons -- everyone of them in fact.   Often people will list three or four when we talk. And again, my heart breaks for their suffering, but I honestly don't believe any of those are the actual reason for their marital pain.   I believe they are symptoms of the real reason.   I am about to write something that many will find controversial.    There will be those who send nasty comments my way, but it is the truth, and I am bound by who I am to share it like it is.   Are you ready? Here we go: the real reason for all those symptoms listed above is selfishness on at least one, but usually both partners in a committed relationship.    "I want', I want" characterizes who we have become in our nation.   We all want the best.   We all want more.   We have taken wanting to a new level.  I believe this has occurred because it has been possible in the USA up until recently to continually increase in our consumption and ownership of things. The American dream is dying now, but it was alive and well.  If we couldn't outright pay for something then credit was the available answer, and all the time "I want. I want more." is on our minds.   How often have you heard this, "I want my spouse to complete me."    "I want someone to make me feel special."   "I want someone to just love me for who I am."   Stop for just a minute and think about those three little statements. . .   Well, selfishness is the root of all of them.   Let's take them one by one.   

• I want my spouse to complete me.   I'm sorry, but if you are not a complete person going into the marriage then you will never be completed by a mere human being.   No human has the power to complete you.   Nobody, and I don't care who they are can do that -- no matter what the musicians and poets make you think.   Only God can complete the hole in your heart.       
• I want someone to make me feel special.   Well, what makes you feel special?   Things?  Time?   Words?   Physical touch?   Respect?   Honestly everyone wants at least one of those, but it is tough to ever "get enough" or "give enough".    
• I want someone to just love me for who I am?   Let me just ask you this, are you all that "lovable" all the time or do you need to make some changes?   Shave.  Take a bath.  Use perfume.   Stop arguing and wanting your own way.   I don't know.   Do you need to consider who you are?       

Here is what God says about selfishness in a love relationship, 1 Corinthians 13:4-6 "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking [Emphasis mine], it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth."   Did you read that? God says there is no selfishness in love.   There is no selfishness in the love you give or the love you receive.   The perfect relationship with a spouse is where both partners are completely and wholly devoted to the other.  A great relationship is one where both partners are always looking to please the other.   A satisfying relationship is one where both partners want the absolute best for the other.   A pleasing relationship is one where each partner sacrifices their own will, their own wants for the other's.   No wonder there are so many hurts and so much anger and discouragement in marriage relationships; its hard to live that way.   It is hard to not be selfish.   

That perfect, great, satisfying and pleasing relationship is the kind of relationship that God wants to have with you, but the sad fact is that most of us bring our own wants -- our selfishness -- into this relationship with God.   Just like in our own relationships with our spouses we want the wholehearted blessings that He can give while returning only a half-heart or even less to Him.    When this applies in our relationship to God, we get the same results with Him as we find in our flesh and blood marriages -- pain, frustration, anger and hurt. Ultimately we will find divorce with Him as well.   

Blessings and write me if you need me.   

Steve